Who's Annie? in chronological order, the last sentence should probably go first, the who, what, where, and why... in that order.
the meaning is kind of hidden, too much drama for a man, men speak very directly, very matter of factly, you can tell this is written by a woman, not that its a bad thing, but its all over the place!
know who your subject is... a face that seemed open and honest, needs to go, too much information in one sentence, it throws you when you read it.
Might be good as a children's book, after reading it I still can't put my finger on the main point of the story, he's immortal, he's struggling, he's wrestling and grapling with his fears, yet he can appear in any form, a contradiction to the story- first he was blissfully ignorant of the reality, then he never doubted it would get better, naive, innocent, carefree, yet he's in turmoil, he had been happy, yet he knows things would only get better, And Who's Jacob?
I like your imaginative style, I would hire a ghost writer, those eyes could see right into a persons soul, don't tell us show us, make the story come alive!
I love that line "What's immmortality when you have misery as a companion" maybe you could copy write everything as you share it, alot of people trying to be writers out there, the story idea could be nabbed up fast by an experienced writer, who's quick wit can make it work even faster! just be careful, try not to be so trustful of other people, never compromise yourself, or your story line to just anybody, get with people in the know, who can guide your writing, you most definetely have good skill, its the technique the delivery of the story, right now its all over the place, we have to sort of piece facts together from different sentences, and each fact contradicts the other. so I'm left with a heap of facts, I can't visualise it in my mind , the distraction of the facts, keeps me to ocupied to enjoy the story. maybe it's just me I sure hope So!
"What's immortality when you have misery as a companion" Jacob darkly thought.
He had spent the last several hours contemplating what his life would be like if he allowed himself the change. His life up until four months ago had been so blissfully ignorant of the reality of what in fact did exist side by side with humans.
He had been happy, he was living with the woman of his dreams, working in a job most would give an eye for and had a close knit circle of friends and family he could count on. The future was promising and he had never doubted it would only get better.
How naive he now realized he had been, so innocent and carefree.
Shaking his head as if that would help him forget the past, he tried to once again focus on his current situation. He knew he would not last long as a human, should he deny accepting what was being offered from the man...no not a man, but something that looked like a man to those who did not know what to look for.
Drake was no more human than a wolf is a cat. He was tall, well muscled and had a face that seemed open and honest if you did not stare to long into his eyes. Those eyes could see right into a persons soul and find the deepest secrets, desires and fears. Drake was an immortal, over seven hundred years old and it was this being that had both saved and damned Jacob when he had pulled his all but dead body from the icy river that winter night after Jacob had tried to end his own life.
He had not wanted to live in a world without his Annie.
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"My heart beat thrice, twice, once...and then no more the moment a passing comet bespoke of your fall from grace".
